This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
