i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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