you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
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Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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