I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just want to make out with him forever
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
