When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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