My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
