i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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