my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
