Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my poor anus
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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