I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
