I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
