Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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