The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
