dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Randomize
