found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
