when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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