Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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