I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
