You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
