I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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