Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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