Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
