It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
