Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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