I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Houston, we have a blender
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
