I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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