bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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