he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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