does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize