The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
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...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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