Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Randomize
