put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
