Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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