Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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