It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
