His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
