He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
