Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
