And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
