I think I died a long time ago.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
