Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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