I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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