College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Found the puke drawer
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
