I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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