so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
