Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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