Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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