I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
