Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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