worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
