ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
high people should be assigned attendants
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
