good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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