No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
