Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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