I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just cropdusted the office
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
